So, I stopped by Fred Meyer today, which is our local Meijer/Walmart/super grocery store type thing. As I was walking in, I was a bit astonished to see a huge line of people going outside the doors and nearly wrapping around the building. It's a bit early, but since my brother and I had just been discussing holiday deals, I figured there must be some new game or incredibly amazing bargain that had people standing out there with their kids and grandparents.

Then, the harried cashier ringing up my popcorn and hairspray set me straight: the store's pharmacy was administering vaccines for swine flu--or, H1N1 as we're supposed to call it now. First off, I didn't even know those shots were out there for public consumption. I thought they were still just for medical practitioners and whatnot. But it turns out Fred Meyer had a limited supply, and the buzz in the store was that they were for the high risk groups only: children, pregnant women, elderly, etc.

A check to King County's public health page shows that I'm apparently behind the times because a lot of pharmacies are giving them out. And, it sounds like more than high risk groups can get them. Fred Meyer would allegedly do it for anyone over the age of 13 (or under 3 with a prescription). I confess, this is the first time I really witnessed the anxiety around swine flu up close and personal--well, aside from everyone in Canada carrying their own bottles of hand sanitizer.

The first time I heard of H1N1 was on my way back from the RT con, sitting in the Houston airport with Mark and Caroline Henry. There, a TV news show informed us that airplanes and Texas were dangerous spots. Oh, irony. As time has gone on, I seem to keep hearing about more and more people who know someone who had it and who got over it. I only talked to someone myself who caught it (hi Sophia!) for the first time a couple weeks ago. She'd had it for a week and then was back to work and recovering nicely.

So, I'm not sure how I feel about it all now. Any disease branded an epidemic is a scary thing, particularly when the deaths from it get all sorts of attention. I'm not sure I'm going to run out and get my vaccine, though, at least while the supply is still small. I may do it when it's easier and more available, even though I am a raging hypochondriac. But I just have to assume I'm in the lowest risk group because people of my age and health status do have greater resistance--so I'm not sure I feel right about taking a shot away from a pregnant woman or child if I've already got some defense. I'm also pretty arrogant (and perhaps I'll regret the hubris of this post later when swine flu throws a kink in my deadlines) about my immune system. I never get 'regular' flu shots. I haven't had the flu since I was a kid, and I was born with a natural immunity to chicken pox. Again, maybe this attitude will come back to haunt me, so I should knock on wood or throw salt over my shoulder. Don't taunt fate.

In the meantime, I'll close with a special tip from our friends at Bakon Vodka. On their website, they have a recipe for a drink called Swine Flu Shot consisting of bacon vodka, Jagermeister, and Goldschlager. I hope they share it with the CDC.

I'm continually amazed at the latest advances in how science/medicine can make people "better." Every time I go to my dermatologist, I'm inundated with brochures in their waiting room about all the ways they can restore you to your youth. I see these docs to make sure my moles aren't cancerous, but while half of their practice is skin stuff like mine, the other stuff they do is cosmetic--Botox, collagen, etc. Reading their pamphlets is fascinating. Every time I'm there, I learn about some new advancement--usually in the form of something that gets injected into the skin. Or that involves a laser. Pew, pew!

Last week was one of the most astonishing discoveries of all. There is apparently now a drug to make your eyelashes grow. You put it on your lids and voila! Your lashes start coming in thicker and longer. Apparently, someone began to notice that glaucoma patients had really amazing eyelashes, and this growth is a side effect of the medication they take. So, yeah, this cosmetic eyelash cream is technically glaucoma medication...but still. I didn't see this one coming. I was resigned to guys always having pretty eyelashes and the rest of us suffering through mascara.

And on the topic of cosmetics...before getting my new author photos shot yesterday, I saw a makeup artist, and she airbrushed the makeup onto my face. I've heard of this, but seeing it on TV and having it done to you are totally different experiences. It was like a spray paint gun aimed at my face! And then, when it was done? Flawless complexion--albeit, a fair amount of silicon got inhaled, I think. The price of beauty, yo.

Another aesthetic surprise came at the dentist today. I love my dentist even more than my dermatologist. They have the office of the future, and the guy who runs the practice is renowned in the area for all these things other dentists don't do. He always has some new associate hanging around too, and today, one of them checked on me after my cleaning. I've been considering teeth whitening before the fall touring, and this new guy immediately started pitching something that sounds like caps but isn't. I forget the name (lum-something) and am too lazy to grab the brochure. Basically, he said I have "beautiful lips and a beautiful smile" but that my teeth were too small for said smile and that he could make them awesome with this technology. It's like plates they glue to the front of your teeth to make them better and "more like Julia Roberts."

This particular treatment is pretty new, but since there have been variations of tooth-improvement for years, it wasn't quite a shock. Still, it just seems like every day, someone discovers a new way to improve the human body. I'm no purist who has moral issues with this. I'm a fan of science, but wow. How long until there's nothing natural left? Until we are all perfect? Are we destined for a Borg or Scott Westerfeld future? It's a mystery, and I can't help but think if I'd been born ten years earlier, technology would have stopped me aging at 30. Oh well. If I can stop aging when I'm 40, that'll have to be good enough, and I'll be happy knowing all of my younger VA readers can have eternal youth. In the meantime, I guess I have some serious thinking to do about what's more dangerous: 1. Glaucoma medication, 2. Poking myself in the eye with mascara wands, or 3. Gluing my eyelids shut with false eyelashes. Decisions, decisions.

And hey! Don't forget the contest.

I run into crazy things all the time--so much so that after a while, crazy starts to seem ordinary. I mean, after getting MySpace friend requests from characters I created, it's hard to find things that are truly astounding anymore. The other day, however, I discovered something so outlandish as to be alarming:

There are people from Wisconsin who think their state looks more like a hand than Michigan does.

For those who aren't from Michigan--and I know that's everyone reading this because the Michiganders have already changed windows and are currently writing angry emails to the Wisconsin Visitors Bureau--my birth state of Michigan is shaped like a hand. As such, it is standard practice for Michigan residents and expatriates alike to convert their palms into maps in order to navigate around the Great Lakes State. Like so:





Okay, that person's thumb isn't quite where it should be, but you get the idea.

Meanwhile, Wisconsin?





Eh, not much of a hand. The biggest leap I can make is that it kind of looks like the fist salutes you used to see on Soviet propaganda. Nonetheless, the Dairy State claims they deserve ownership of the palm-map because Michigan is not one piece of land but two--the Upper and Lower Peninsulas. And according to some Wisconsinite "evidence," the Upper Peninsula doesn't look like a hand:





Paltry proof indeed. My friend John immediately took charge of this matter and corrected their faulty evidence.





I think this clears things up. Michigan is not one hand. It is two. If you don't agree after seeing that...well, there's probably nothing more I can say to convince you.

In the interest of fairness, are there any Wisconsin peeps out there who want to defend their honor and weigh in on using hand maps there? Are there any other states out there using hand-held maps?





I'm almost willing to give Idaho the benefit of the doubt on a Thumbs-Up map.

So, here's the report on the Sleep Therapy machine from the previous post.

I got into bed last night and covered the device, just as the reviewers suggested. You see, there's a backlight on the display which will light up half the room, even at its dimmest. As one reviewer noted, that was pretty poor planning for a device meant to help people sleep. But covering it is easy, and I set it to Summer Night, the Delta wave-inducing medley of crickets and, um, Jupiter.

The Jupiter noise was this kind of singy, high-pitched sound that rose and fell periodically. It actually was too irregular for me--I would have liked it more steady and repetitive, like the crickets in the background. So, I flipped around the buttons and ended up on one that worked. I didn't know what it was, but ironically, this morning, I discovered that it was the other planetary option, Focus: "Authentic NASA recordings from Earth's orbit and the smallest moon of Uranus (Miranda) are mixed with music for a unique and effective THETA-brainwave enhancing sound environment." Wouldn't have thought that would work, but it did, and I actually set my fan to low in the background to sort of transition myself. I drifted off, and while I didn't fall asleep, I hit that really drowsy, almost-there stage.

And then I heard eee-eee-e-eee.

Or well, something like that. No, it wasn't an alien. It was this kind of feedback noise from the thing's speaker. I instantly woke up, all that drowsiness gone. I stared at the machine, waiting for it to do something else. It didn't, it just kept playing its NASA Symphony. So I rolled back over to sleep, but by then, I was wide awake. And, I was now hypervigilant because I keep expecting to hear that sound again. So, while my brain waited for it, I also noticed every other noise, like the traffic outside. I couldn't hit the same sleepiness as before, and then a little while later, I heard the feedback sound again. Awake! By this point it was 2 hours after I'd gone to bed, and I knew there was no way I was going to sleep with that feedback occurring off and on. So, I shut the device off, cranked the fan up to high, and fell asleep.

I haven't given up on the Sound Machine (which is an easier name to remember than BTMSTM). I'm tired and grumpy today, but honestly, I'm usually that way anyway, and the return policy will let me take it back if need be. Still, I'm going to experiment first. The noise reminded me of something my computer speakers used to do if a portable phone rang nearby. The instruction book also has this blurb about how the machine's not supposed to (but might) interfere with other radio frequencies. The book didn't say anything about vice versa, but I'm going to take its advice and move the machine to different places. Right now it's out in the living room with me, and the cats and I are listening to the tranquil sounds of a thunderstorm. It apparently works on them because they're asleep. But then, they're always sleep.

tmthomas posted this link in the comments yesterday, but here it is again for those who want to look into this bad boy.

It's no secret around here that I don't sleep well. Insomnia's something I've been fighting my whole life, and pretty much anything'll set off. Strange places. Worries. Story ideas. Someone snoring. And sometimes, there's just no explanation. I'll feel exhausted and bleary-eyed, drop into bed, and be unable to fall asleep. I'll lie awake for hours, growing more and more frustrated, said frustration probably making the insomnia worse.

I say 'no explanation,' but there's clearly a genetic component afoot. When I stay with my eldest brother in Kalamazoo, he and I often run into each other up and around at late hours while the rest of his family sleeps. The best family insomnia experience, though, was when I was staying with my parents just before starting my religion M.A. For whatever reason, my other brother was staying with them too. One night, unable to sleep, I got up around 4am and went out to the living room, only to find my mother and brother already there watching TV because they couldn't sleep either. So, we all hung out together until dawn.

One thing that does help me sleep is a fan. It's the poor man's white noise machine and does a good job blocking out street sounds, my cats, and any of the other myriad nighttime noises that have kept me awake since childhood. Unfortunately, the fan dries my eyes out like crazy. And as Lasik Day approaches, I've realized I really need to take care of that. And so, today, I decided it was time to get a grown-up's white noise machine:



Say hello to the Brookstone Tranquil Moments Sound Therapy System. In doing searches on white noise machines, this one had the best reviews--and the highest price tag. Sigh. But, you see, it does more than white noise. It actually has twelve different sleep-friendly sounds, about half of which are nature-based. The others are produced by obscure things like Tibetan bowls and, um, the planet Jupiter. Yeah.

But the thing that's supposed to be really impressive about it is that these sounds are specifically designed to promote different types of brain waves: alpha, delta, and theta. I won't elaborate on sleep theory, but different brian waves are associated with different levels of sleep, and allegedly, the BTMSTS helps bring those waves about. Now, that kind of claim immediately sets off my skepticism. Any miracle cure using the word "natural" tends to come across as a gimmick to me. The things that really set me off are usually about health foods and dieting--man, don't even get me started about non-FDA regulated so-called "natural remedies." I get enraged just typing those words, but maybe that's the lack of sleep.

Anyway, I'm not sure I buy this brain wave thing, but if the repetitive noise helps me sleep, I'm not going to ask questions. I can't keep using the fan, and my sleep hasn't been so great lately anyway. It makes me mean and snippy to people and makes editing unbearable. So, tonight, I think I might try the Summer Night selection. As the BTMSTS' book explains, "A slowed chorus of crickets combined with NASA-recorded sounds from Jupiter activate DELTA brainwaves and create a wonderfully calming sleep environment." I'm not entirely sure what sounds they're recording from Jupiter, but I swear, if I find an alien looking in my window tonight, I'm going to be pissed.

Morning report to follow.

After spending fun-filled days in L.A., lolcatz and I were often at the mercy of whatever TV happened to be on hotel cable. Which is how, one night, we found ourselves watching CNN and listening to news about all the tornadoes in the Midwest. Our conversation went something like this:


Me: Oh, man. Tornadoes are like my childhood nightmare.
lc: Is that why you moved to Seattle?
Me: Not exactly, but that's been a definite perk. Unlike most of my phobias, this one has a legitimate basis. There was this major tornado that went through Kalamazoo when I was, like, 3, and my mom and I were out in it. So, afterward, everyone really took tornadoes seriously. You know how paranoid I am?
lc: Yes.
Me: Well, imagine that same kind of paranoia being mirrored in all the adults around me.
lc: Whoa.
Me: Yeah.

At this point, the regular news shifts to Larry King Live. Larry prefaces the show with this: "Are extraterrestrials real? Are they among us right now? And what would you do if you saw an alien looking through your window? Stay tuned as our next guest says that's exactly what happened to him."

Me: Holy crap!
lc: What?
Me: That's, like, my other childhood nightmare!
lc: Larry King?
Me: No! People looking in my window--especially aliens.
lc: No...
Me: Yes! I used to always make sure my window was completely covered because I was terrified that I'd look up and see a face looking in--particularly an alien one.
lc: Seriously? You actually worried about that?
Me: Yes. I don't know if I can watch this.

But, of course, I did. Here's the gist of it. This guy named Stan in Denver swears that 5 years ago, he used to see UFOs above his house, so at a friend's suggestion, he set up a video camera in his bedroom and had it poised by the window. Then, one night, he looked and saw an alien peeking through his window. Ahhh. Even typing that freaks me out. So, he has this video of a peeping tom alien. He's been sitting on this for 5 years, and it's only just now coming out--which is suspicious, of course. But recently, he showed it at this top secret media presentation in Denver.

Now, as we were watching this, they showed this clip of a traditional, big-eyed alien popping his head up above a window sill, at which point he blinked, looked around, and ran off. The fact that they were showing something in such clarity was a bit startling until they repeated the clip with Reenactment across it. (If you do any search on 'Stan Romanek alien video' you'll probably pull this--even if it claims to be the authentic one). Apparently, this guy isn't ready to release the actual video to the public domain. They did, however, show one still from the video--a grainy black and white image of a non-human face peeking through. You can see it here.

Along with this guy, there were a few other interviewees. There was one film expert who had studied the video. He said he couldn't say for sure but thought that some of the facial expressions would be extremely hard to fake. They also had the skeptic who was the guy that had created the reenactment in 6 hours for under $99, which is why he believed Stan's video was easy to fake. Finally, they had a guy on the show who appeared to be Stan's handler and did a lot of the talking for Stan. This guy was leading a movement in Denver to set up an alien commission--paid for by tax payer dollars--to study this stuff and be ready to welcome outer space visitors.

Now, my childhood paranoia aside, I couldn't help a fair bit of skepticism. And it had nothing to do with film quality or a 5-year delay or anything like that. Here's my question. If aliens have the technology to build space ships, travel across great distances, and remain relatively unseen in our world, then why would they need to sneak around backyards and look through people's windows? Like, seriously, wouldn't they have some kind of high tech surveillance system? And wouldn't they be smart enough to avoid being caught on some guy's home video?

These are questions none of the alien believers had an answer for. Nonetheless, lolcatz spent the rest of the evening saying, "Oh my God! There's something looking through our window!"

Despite the fact that were on the fifth floor.

Ah, life. So full of surprises. You never know what can happen. A padded envelope shows up from Kensington Books, and you assume it's finished copies of Eternal Lover. After all, Jackie Kessler got hers. Where are mine?

Instead, you find this:


Storm Born ARCs! Much earlier than I expected, considering I'm faxing in the proofs for this book tomorrow. And check this out:


25% smaller than a regular ARC! Er, something like that. Storm Born is my first book to come out in mass market. Compared to my usual trade paperbacks, it looks so cute! For those of you casting covetous eyes on these, let me remind you of the ARC hierarchy:

Less than 5 copies: Hoarded, only to be shown off to friends and family
Less than 30: Only dispersed to reviewers
31 +: Contest material

They only gave me three so far. Sorry, guys. Stick around. More will come.

On a completely unrelated note, tonight I got email from the, ahem, Joe Flanigan mailing list telling me there was now a fast and easy way to test our compatibility. Joe Flanigan, star of Stargate: Atlantis, is my TV boyfriend, so of course I had to check this out. To my astonishment, the 'test' was based on biorhythms, something I thought had gone by the wayside back in the early 80s. Here's what the test had to say about me and Joe:



Hm. It appears Joe and I are only destined to have a meeting of the minds. And no, I don't want to post this on Facebook. Stupid test. Fortunately, it doesn't matter if I have a low score with Joe because he's only my TV boyfriend. It's all fantasy. What really matters is how me and my real boyfriend line up:



Oh. Fail.

There's a reason biorhythms should have gone away a long time ago. Stupid test. The fact that our compatibility is highest on the 'emotional' scale is particularly entertaining, not that 53% is even really high. Fortunately, the website had these words of wisdom to offer:



Great. Just great.

For those who want to test their compatibility with Joe or other celebrities, click here. For those who want to test their compatibility with their own sweethearts, click here. For those who want to test their compatibility with my sweetheart, too bad. That emotional real estate is precarious enough already.