Now, I have some friends in need over at Bitten By Books for this week's poll: Funniest Paranormal Authors. Only, I have a problem. I have six friends who are nominated. Clearly, I hang with funny people. But now, I don't know who I'm even going to vote for. And I can't even say to you, "Hey, please go help [X]!" Because how can I choose?
So, here's what I've decided to do. If you'd like to go over and cast a vote for one of my pals, I can't tell you who. Since some of you may not know their writing, I'm going to give quick bios of them. Then, you can choose who you think is the funniest, and hopefully someone I know will beat the competition.
UPDATE: As of Friday afternoon, my friends are still behind! I think all of them are worthy, but at this late hour (voting closes tonight), I might have to beg those who haven't voted to go endorse Mark Henry so that someone in my friends can represent. It's time for the Australian swing vote!
In alphabetical order:
Mario writes books about vampire detective Felix Gomez. He gets funny points simply for having titles like The Nymphos of Rocky Flats and Jailbait Zombie. No publisher would let me do that. As a former military guy, I'm pretty sure Mario could kill you in ten different ways with his pinky finger. I think my favorite story with him was when we were at a bar, and he asked me if there was any article of clothing I'd never wear. I said spandex. Fifteen minutes later, out of nowhere, he says, "A crown." I was like, "What are you talking about?" I'd totally moved on from that topic. "A crown," he said. "I'd never wear a crown." Maybe you had to be there.
When I first heard of Michele, I was told she wrote about soccer moms and vampires. Anyone who thought of putting those two things together is genius because let's face it, it was a concept long overdue. What's more, she sets her series in Oklahoma. I wouldn't have thought that's funny, yet it is. Or maybe that isn't a surprise? I've only driven through OK, so I can't say for sure. Anyway, Michele can put down margaritas like nobody's business, and she's a die-hard fan of Vampire Academy. So clearly, she's a woman of excellent taste.
Dakota is, without question, the most glamorous author in the paranormal realm and manages to make werewolves and demons glamorous too. Heck, she's glamorous even in the non-paranormal realm since she just sold a series about trophy wives. I'm trying to learn her beauty secrets, particularly the art of putting on false eyelashes. It's not easy. Mostly I glue my eyes shut, but Dakota makes it look like art. She offered to go to Australia with me and help me with my hair--but only if she could go first class. She skipped right over business class because that's how she rolls. As a former beauty queen, she appreciates rhinestones and tiaras--so unlike Mario, she will wear a crown. And wear it well.
Mark Henry's a Seattle author and has inexplicably made zombies fashion-conscious. He also manages to make the gross and twisted...well, funny. He's one of the few authors you'll read and think "Ew!" while laughing at the same time. Mark is also famous for his dramatic readings of romance novels. You really can't appreciate a sex scene until you've heard Mark read it out loud. Those who witnessed his amazing poolside reading of [novel that must remain anonymous] would probably vote for him without hesitation. Mark watches shows like RuPaul's Drag Race and can summon flocks of hummingbirds. At the same time. But if he ever offers you a martini called Lava Lamp, DO NOT ACCEPT. I am not joking.
Jackie Kessler is my long-time pal, so I'm not even sure where to start. Like me, she got her break into publishing with a book about a succubus. A succubus stripper, even, and Jackie had the nerve to do research at a strip club (which her husband generously took her to). This makes us succubus sisters, a bond which is strong and life-long. Like blood sisters but not as unsanitary. Jackie is also deceptively funny and snarky. No one suspects it because she's so small and adorable; she's even shorter than me. She helped me survive my first Romantic Times Convention and was one of the first to realize that a bar trip was a necessity at the Mr. Romance Competition--which may be why they had no bar at the competition in following years. Just sayin.
Oh, Michelle. Michelle is Canadian, but you should in no way be fooled by that polite facade. She's got a sense of humor and snark to rival any black-souled American, and all of her books reflect that. I mean, her vampires' hang-out is a tanning salon. Michelle is also the one who saved my clothes when I left them in the closet at our RT Con hotel. She rescued them from housekeeping...and then held them hostage, threatening to put them on eBay unless I sent her an early copy of Blood Promise. Seeing as I didn't have one to give, I felt certain it was only a matter of time before my gold blouse was up for auction. She finally sent them back to me, but her package included some special souvenirs from RWA to punish me for my hold-out. I will not elaborate.
So there you have it. My friends, the funny authors. It's worth noting that another nominee, MaryJanice Davidson, is also an awesome pal of mine. Considering her readership blows us all away, I feel she doesn't need my pleas. :)
But I offer the rest of these ne'er-do-wells to you. Pick who you think deserves the Funniest title and go vote here! As always, the poll is on the lower right side of the screen, and voting closes Friday night (US Central Time). None of them are currently winning, which is UNACCEPTABLE. If in doubt, you can always check the results and vote for which of my friends has the highest score so far. Hey, we're on a mission here. ;) Thanks for your support!